he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I want her autograph on my taint
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
