Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize