I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
did you just send me my own nude
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
