Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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