i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
