just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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