highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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