dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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