I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
