I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
