Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
