I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
