Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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