I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize