Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
