the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize