I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
3 2 1 whiskey
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
