Who wears a wallet chain?!
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Randomize
