he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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