there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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