I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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