we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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