Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
