I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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