Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
