remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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