i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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