Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
