he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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