if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
