You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
