Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
