I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I think I won the penis lottery.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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