Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize