as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
