genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
