I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
