just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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