ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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