this beer tastes like vomit already
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
