so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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