So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
