first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
