You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
