I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
