I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize