I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Sext me about skeletons
I supernannyed him into submission
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
