So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
