We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
