y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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