Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My breasts were aching with rage.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
