does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
