she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
