Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
