can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
