i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
