Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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