Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
