I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
